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Personal Piece Regarding Depression Written in 2016 I've had this unfinished text on my computer for a while. It does not cover everything, and may also be hard to follow, but I felt I may as well share it. It is just a bit of self expression to those who are interested. The subject matter is negative, so if that's not your sort of thing, by all means don't read it. I genuinely don't care if you read this or not. (Content is subject to edits). I rarely bother to express my feelings etc. For the most part, I don't expect people to care, nor do I particularly desire them to. Personal expression rarely seems to be advantageous, particularly as I tend to be misunderstood, and any input given on such subjects is typically unhelpful, condescending or self-fulfilling (even with the best of intentions). Spending time alone is important, particularly to be away from social situations, which are often stressful and tiring. It's important to be able to unwind from previous events. However, being stuck with little more than your own thoughts for long stretches of time can also be strenuous. It is all too easy to over-think and worry about unchangeable events of the past, dwell on failings, get weighed down by the problems of the world, or feel anxious and/or unhappy over nothing at all. Day-to-day life can become hard to endure sometimes, and I would like to make it clear that these are not usually states of self-pity, so much as they are wells of frustration from my awareness of all that is bad in the world. For not only am I doing nothing to prevent suffering, but even just by living my life, I am likely an active part (mainly via consumption). I can help to alleviate some feelings of guilt by doing all the usual good deeds, or even making drastic life changes, but I am all too aware of what a small drop in the ocean such actions are, how these drops inevitably come with their own issues, and how I still negatively contribute within the other aspects of my life. Even if global changes were made for the better, I suspect we would inevitably end up in the same situation, mainly due to selfishness and greed, which is intrinsically woven into us all on the simplest level. Although I am sure it all stems from a means of survival, it is an unsatisfying excuse, particularly considering the human potential for good. Not all of my concerns are quite so logical of course. Often I will fret over unchangeable events that usually don't really have any bearing on anything outside of my own head. And sometimes I will be dwelling over what seems like nothing at all, and it's not always easy to express why or stop it. At times, my concerns and anxieties can cause me to be overwhelmed and unable to properly function, with self-loathing a common companion, causing something of a downward spiral. When in such a state, it is all too easy to fail to take proper care of one's self, and become a weight those around me (as well as society in the long term). I do realise that living such a tedious existence as an overwhelmed sponge is untenable, and highly unfair to those around me. Therefore, regardless of how poorly I fit into it by nature, and how conflicted I may feel about its underpinnings, it is imperative that I am an active part of society. It is difficult to try and live life as a good person. There are always negatives in this world, and we are a part of some of them no matter the life we choose to lead. Therefore, we are all forced to draw lines for our own sanity, because life is never going to be without harsh realities that seem unfair. To be able to function, and reduce the oppressive guilt, I felt the decision had to be made to become more egocentric and less self-critical. I am uncomfortable with such a deliberate decision to be selfish, but it seems clear that I need to put myself first before considering the rest of the world's problems. Otherwise it seems I am likely to remain within the endless cycle of self-loathing; potentially resulting in loss of sanity, along with being a perpetual weight to everybody else. I try to keep my achievements small, and sometimes that is just eating a piece of carrot or drawing a cat. I don't always manage these small tasks, even ones that I feel I should enjoy. It's frustrating to feel no satisfaction. I am aware that I am thought of as a chronic under achiever, but I am not overly keen on attaining success, as most achievements are both defined and obtained by being better than others, and taking advantage of anyone and everything, as opposed to any genuine personal growth. I find it hard to value these achievements as much as society seems to as a whole. Although I can claim to be comfortable with my lazy approach, I realise that I am fortunate to be in a position where I can be this way. I dislike how dependent I have come to be. Others are forced to work themselves to physical and mental exhaustion just to achieve the basics. Perhaps all of these individuals struggle just as I do and are just infinitely stronger than I, but it seems needless to dwell on it. I just continue on and remain very grateful. Thank you for putting up with me. I am sorry. One positive I do receive from a lack of self-worth, is my awareness of personal insignificance. It helps reduce my anxiety to know that no matter what incorrect decisions I make, it is all effectively irrelevant. The universe will end, and none of this will matter. It's a refreshing weight off my shoulders. Medication: Although I take medication, I am not entirely convinced that a chemical imbalance is precisely the issue. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have negative feelings. The way I behave is my personality and a reaction to my environment. Surely a natural diversity in personality is not a defect, and if society were a little different, different people would thrive/suffer. Medication never seemed like a proper solution, as it clearly deals with the symptoms rather than the problem, but when the symptoms are the problem, I am not sure what else can be done. Forcing yourself to "just keep going" is exhausting. For problems that have potential solutions, or emotional hurt that will fade with time, it is clearly a better course of action to deal properly with these issues naturally, than to rely on chemical alterations to make you feel better. It seems potentially unhealthy to block them as they are an aspect of life. But when feelings are an unconstructive and constant strain, I am not sure I see a reason to treat the problem much differently than they would to enduring physical pain. Particularly when the stress of anxiety and depression caused symptoms such as insomnia, nausea, physical discomfort, along with occasional small breakdowns. (Despite medication being a huge help, I still have low enthusiasm, and struggle to enjoy the things I feel I should, which continues to be a source of frustration). End note: I am a little arrogant, and feel it is to my benefit. My own personal thoughts are all that matter on this issue. I am the only person who can affect my own mindset. Therefore, I am not looking for input, sympathy or advice of any kind.